Karma is chewing on my a$$ again.

Email listmates already know of my medical and financial stuff from last summer onward, but the basic overview is that my daughter's appendix burst, made a cyst and almost burst again (due to misdiagnosis of a bladder infection). I broke my finger just when I was knitting for pay. Then, after paying major ugly amounts of money to a dentist to get all my little issues cleaned up at the same time (oh, and my daughter's braces), I had a fixed tooth go bad again. 8 hour ER trip, Iv antibiotics and a little shot of painkiller (that I absolutely refused and was forced on me) that I turned out to be allergic to. I left the ER looking like someone had kicked the crap out of my face!! All better now cept for those bills that just keep rolling in.

Ready? This is unbelievable now. Wayy back when, an uncle divorced an aunt that I really liked. She happened to get an apartment near us later, so we stayed a bit close - but lost touch after that. Any-whoo. She called out of the blue almost 20 years later. That's all cool enough, and actually rather a good thing now that I am just looking at that part.

But, what she said... Apparently, she met my biological father in a bar, and they discussed me. He "seemed sincere" in wanting to get in touch with me, but didn't know if I wanted any contact. Skipping over some gory details, I haven't talked to him since I was 12.

Yay, right? Fireworks and glory, right? And the thousand fugly issues that are dredged out of the mud of my subconscious.

Work up my nerve, call him. No answer.

Call the cell phone. He said he was doing flooring at a friend's house. He said that he'd be back up in NY in April or May. But, I haven't lived in NY for 19 years, "I'm in Minnesota now". "I'm in Houston". (duh?, and?) Long pause "Ya, I was around there for basic training" "I didn't know you were in the military" (Lots of stuff you don't know) This is where my brain is refusing to remember, but he said something about being worried about his cell phone minutes, and he had unlimited weekends. (WTF?) Somehow the call closed and that was it.

That was it. About 2 minutes.

I'm left feeling rejected AGAIN. Rejected isn't even a good enough word for that - people who have contact with family just can't even understand the depth of that word. It's a special cold depth for those of us babies that were left by someone without explanation or understanding at that tender age. I've heard those words you're thinking, "You're better off not knowing someone like that" "You get to decide if you want to deal with that in your life." But, while those words make a nice logical little patch - there's still that booming echoing "WHYYYYY" that thunders thru dreams and colors interactions with all other people. "What is it about me that my father could just walk away forever?" Doesn't matter the real reasons, or the side streams of old arguments that I've pieced together. That infants echoing cry still wakes me up wondering and aching and cold.

Will he call this weekend? Life still wanders on thru schoolwork, dishes, and measured out by coffee spoons.