Friday, March 12, 2004

Well, I'd better get back to the original reason for this blog. I'm typing as I listen to George Carlin on Bill Maher. Bill'd better figure out to shut UP and let George talk.

OHH - excellent quote, "If you've never encountered anything that offends you, then you're not living in a free society." Strangely, it came from the first female Prime Minister of Canada - and not George or Bill. The other guy's pretty good too. I think I'm going to have to read his book - without looking it up, it's about "What's happened to our language and music and why we should, like, care?"

original intent, my duh! I volunteered for a long road trip, so that I would be busy today. No, no knitting or crochet. But, I did get 2 orders for sweaters from a friend. It seems that she got a Lopi sweater ages ago, and they both wore it for a coat for ages! So, besides the 1 1/2 that I have to finish for Nikki and Leo - I have 2 more kids to knit for! YAY!

Personal growth? I hate to imagine what hours on the road and buying Crispy Creme did to my behind. How's that for Growth? No, really, I did to quite a bit of thinking about what someone suggested. That some people are just emotionally handicapped. Just like you can't expect a blind person to see something, there's just some people that can't meet anyone's needs - and expecting them too is just an exercise in frustration. So, what a person needs - they have to give to themselves. You can't get it from food, you can't get it from anywhere else but from yourself.
So - Did he call? Will he call?

He called - by accident. Boy, that's a nasty feeling. Ever go thru the caller ID on your cell phone and get the wrong number? NO! I'm not that dumb!!

So. He said he'd call tomorrow (Saturday) so we could really talk.

Now, the issue is if I'm going to be Home tomorrow.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Karma is chewing on my a$$ again.

Email listmates already know of my medical and financial stuff from last summer onward, but the basic overview is that my daughter's appendix burst, made a cyst and almost burst again (due to misdiagnosis of a bladder infection). I broke my finger just when I was knitting for pay. Then, after paying major ugly amounts of money to a dentist to get all my little issues cleaned up at the same time (oh, and my daughter's braces), I had a fixed tooth go bad again. 8 hour ER trip, Iv antibiotics and a little shot of painkiller (that I absolutely refused and was forced on me) that I turned out to be allergic to. I left the ER looking like someone had kicked the crap out of my face!! All better now cept for those bills that just keep rolling in.

Ready? This is unbelievable now. Wayy back when, an uncle divorced an aunt that I really liked. She happened to get an apartment near us later, so we stayed a bit close - but lost touch after that. Any-whoo. She called out of the blue almost 20 years later. That's all cool enough, and actually rather a good thing now that I am just looking at that part.

But, what she said... Apparently, she met my biological father in a bar, and they discussed me. He "seemed sincere" in wanting to get in touch with me, but didn't know if I wanted any contact. Skipping over some gory details, I haven't talked to him since I was 12.

Yay, right? Fireworks and glory, right? And the thousand fugly issues that are dredged out of the mud of my subconscious.

Work up my nerve, call him. No answer.

Call the cell phone. He said he was doing flooring at a friend's house. He said that he'd be back up in NY in April or May. But, I haven't lived in NY for 19 years, "I'm in Minnesota now". "I'm in Houston". (duh?, and?) Long pause "Ya, I was around there for basic training" "I didn't know you were in the military" (Lots of stuff you don't know) This is where my brain is refusing to remember, but he said something about being worried about his cell phone minutes, and he had unlimited weekends. (WTF?) Somehow the call closed and that was it.

That was it. About 2 minutes.

I'm left feeling rejected AGAIN. Rejected isn't even a good enough word for that - people who have contact with family just can't even understand the depth of that word. It's a special cold depth for those of us babies that were left by someone without explanation or understanding at that tender age. I've heard those words you're thinking, "You're better off not knowing someone like that" "You get to decide if you want to deal with that in your life." But, while those words make a nice logical little patch - there's still that booming echoing "WHYYYYY" that thunders thru dreams and colors interactions with all other people. "What is it about me that my father could just walk away forever?" Doesn't matter the real reasons, or the side streams of old arguments that I've pieced together. That infants echoing cry still wakes me up wondering and aching and cold.

Will he call this weekend? Life still wanders on thru schoolwork, dishes, and measured out by coffee spoons.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Monday again... The schoolwork is done, the icicles are dripping madly. Restlessness is in the air...

I did get the website to work. So, the picture of the MY DESIGN sweater is available, and I hid a picture of the level of wierdness in my animals. A dog eating, the cat drinking out of his water bowl, and a chicken watching like he's ready to come over and start doing lunch with them.

I really want to get some funky pictures of the BFK (Big Fat Kitty-man). He's been thinking thoughts of breeding, but Mildred is still grouchy enough to knock the snot out of him whenever he tries for some. Poor BFK! I wonder why some animals just don't realize that they've been fixed.

In other news, I accomplished setting up 3 interviews for next week for the movie. I organized and printed a month's worth of check off sheets for our school schedule. And, I changed craft gears. The Lopi yarn is starting to make my hands hurt, so I'm going to crochet for a while. It's a nice European style filet curtain - houses and hearts for the big picture window. It won't hide anything, but it'll look nice from either side. Maybe once I see how the curtain holes work out, I'll design it to go on the regular size windows and finally make something for the strange shaped kitchen window. I also did quite a bit of laundry and actually ironed some stuff. Doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to seeing the bottom of the job, just that progress is good, and forward progress is better.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

So, besides the whining - what's up? I finished William's Lopi sweater (blue, red and black on medium blue), and I've started Nikki's. I finished the entire yoke and then decided that I didn't like it. FROG FROG FROG! (as in I ripped it out - rippit rippit is the sound a frog makes).

So, now it light and dark purple lines, increasing into a white band. Light purple pattern on the white band, then I'll do hearts or something Nikki-ish. It has to be a LARGE sweater, and the yoke patterns that I have are for kid's sweaters -- so there will be ALOT of design work here. (Now, I really want to put up pictures, so I can just SHOW the result. Wish I'd taken a picture before I ripped it out).

I feel like I should have some sort of introduction, but those who know me, know me. Those who know the site, they know me. And those who are just now meeting me are getting a horrid first impression. But, they can go read my "almost blog" and get to know me in mine own format. It's not a blog like it's meant now, but it's definately a record of where we've been and what we've done.

Now, it's getting on that time when kid don't want so much Mom, and Mom is clueless about where to go from here. I mean, I've sacrificed my early start to raise ungrateful morons - do I start over at minimum wage someplace or parlay all this research and big mouth into something? Do I sell my knitting or write? I'd like to write, but I keep going down bunny trails about personal life and feelings - and does anyone really want to hear me WHINE! I do it really well, I've had TONS of practice!

Should I immediately just hare off into homeschooling and autism and chin deep in double teenage angst, knowing that the third is coming up on his last innocent hug? (GAD, that's a horrid feeling - Which one will be his last hug? What night will be the last time that he tries to stay up and get Mom Time?) Nah - that's all too depressing. He's a sweet little 10 year old and I'm just going to pretend that I don't know that he'll turn 11, 12, 13 and testosterone poisoning. (Hey, this thing doesn't spell check! SH*T That's NOT FAIR!)

I still think I should start Camp LOCKEMINTHEBASEMENT. Parents like me would pay good money for a break from testosterone (is that spelled right? What a crock! I want my spell check! ah well, best guess will have to do) I mean - when they're bigger than you - how can you really ground them from the phone. Sneaky little bastages anyway. I've put passwords on the computer, but I really need to know how to unplug the hub without blowing stuff up. (Been there, done that - thank goodness it was only a fuse that blew!)

If they ever read this - I'm KIDDING!! Ok, I'm not. I already hid all the sharpies and the really ugly pants and sweatshirt. Parents of goth teens know the sharpie thing, but for the childless or clueless - the teens use sharpies for tattoos. They draw all over their skin and have "marker wars". Markers should really be banned in school until the teachers can reestablish some semblence of control. Cripe - if they did that in my homeschool, they'd be scrubbing walls until the house sparkled. I'm sure any reader will hear my bias and jump to defend teachers, but I'm coming around to what a job they really have. I know I couldn't handle a classroom! But, I'm getting my arm twisted to run for school board, so maybe I can make some changes from there.

Politics is a whole new thing that I never had the courage to do before. I still don't feel like I'm qualified or that I can do such a great job - but my arm is being twisted. The Green Party wants an in that isn't all about the nepotism. My friends just want my homeschooling, kid friendly voice in the decisions that come down. I think they also want me to do the work so they have a voice on the board. I don't mind that so much even tho the thought is annoying. Plus, the district has to pick a new superintendent, and I'd like to listen in on how that all is done. (Plus, I'd like to make sure that the major moron isn't the one chosen even tho he's politically popular. Yes, I have an axe to grind, but it's just one, and he is a major political hack with a proven record of ignoring children's needs. I know better than to say his name out loud - but I will say that it's the person that did enough psychological damage to kids to make 2 of them leave baseball for good.)

Hmm, is this enough rambling? Have I procrastinated the chores long enough? Ironing and dishwasher - what a thrill. If I get really ambitious, I might even boot the babies out. The babies? You want to hear about the babies? Well, we have a small, mostly organic flock of spoiled pet chickens. (Ok, exotic jungle fowl - they're still CHICKENS!) The 2 roosters had troubles, so we had a harem without a master. A friend from PaperDragon Farms sent us some of their boys - What a GREAT GIFT! I grok that they had to go so they wouldn't breed with their sisters, but still, when someone steps in and solves 2 problems via the US Postal Service - it's brilliant! So, in the middle of MN winter, I got a shipment of baby roosters. They had to live in the back room, and did many unspeakable things to my carpet - but they are still in the adorable stage. Getting less and less adorable as the poop piles get larger and larger.. But, it's fun. You can't imagine the feeling of seeing an animal, assuming it's a cat, but then it's a chicken looking for dropped food like the dog would. Now, if only the little buggers could be paper trained, it'd be just cute and not something that makes you jump and run to get them back onto cedar chips! *L* So, eventually, when we figure out how to breed and get some bird to sit long enough - we'll have more green eggs! Maybe even green eggs with brown speckles!! I think we agreed to name them Dragon Eggs, but that's counting eggs before their mom's even hatch out. The local natural food co-op sells certified organice eggs for over $2 a dozen - but i don't think we are certifiable until we can control the winter feed. So, it's to be semi-organic, and not a way to get rich. But, it's still very cute that the kids do stupid pet tricks and when the chickens come stampeding to get treats. Definately more fun than a compost pile for kitchen scraps, and they carry their nitrogen all over the yard, eating bugs.

Ok, I've definately procrastinated long enough. We'll see if I can get pictures to work and if I can remember to write every day. Nice to meet ya'll!
Well, that didn't work so well. I went to put up the new pics and this doesn't do pic hosting.
Blah, Blah, *whine* So, I'll have to snapfish or something and link over there. I have my own domain so I didn't have to worry about all this - and now it's frogged. Blah!
So, first day, new blog. I'd like a record of what I'm doing. Both in knitting, updating the site, and personal growth. Isn't that CHEESY? But, it's true. Plus, the site is giving me fits by not uploading the new pictures, so I'll try and do it here.